The Best Advice for People Pleasers I’ve Heard in a While

I've been a lifelong people pleaser. From the elementary school playground to a meeting I was in just yesterday, the question I carry into almost any interaction is "Are you mad at me?" Nothing stresses me out more than the thought that someone else might be disappointed, annoyed, or have a low opinion of me.

I've come across some helpful tools and mantras along the way to quiet the rumination spiral, and I heard another one last week on Brené Brown and Adam Grant's podcast, The Curiosity Shop. In a recent episode, they talked about a common people-pleaser dilemma — how to gracefully exit a conversation.

Maybe you know the feeling: nodding along to a colleague's 12-minute monologue about their latest workout routine, your palms getting sweaty as you sneak glances at the clock, worried about being late to your next appointment. Or struggling to break out of a loop of small talk at a networking event when you're 20 minutes past ready to be alone, in your sweats, on the couch at home.

For a lot of people pleasers, I think it's rooted in a genuine desire to connect — to be a good friend, a considerate, nurturing, and loving person. But as Meg Josephson points out in her book Are You Mad at Me?, many people who struggle with people-pleasing are operating from the fawn response. They carry the belief that in order to feel safe and loved, they need to make everyone around them happy.

This shows up in a million different ways — from having a default "yes" to any request, to never showing emotions that might make others uncomfortable, to not knowing how to end a conversation gracefully.

So what's Brené's advice? "Rip off the Band-Aid, but leave some relational sticky." In other words, say the thing that needs to be said, but say it in a way that makes clear you want to stay connected beyond this interaction.

In the episode, Adam and Brené discuss research showing this approach is both effective and pro-social. Most people are grateful for a warm, honest cue to end the conversation — and we tend to appreciate and trust people more when they show up with honesty and kindness.

When we rip off the Band-Aid, we advocate for what we need. When we do it in a way that "leaves some relational sticky," we honor the relationship and build trust for the next interaction.

I find this metaphor so helpful. It captures something tangible about the difference between being nice and being kind. With toddler twins, I have plenty of hands-on Band-Aid experience right now. When my son is worried about the sting of taking it off, the nice thing to do is leave it on so he avoids that momentary pain — but that leaves the skin exposed to infection. The kind thing is to rip it off, let the skin breathe, and reassure him it's going to be ok. It rarely hurts as much as we think it will.

A people pleaser does the "nice thing" when they stay in a conversation that needs to end.

A kind person rips off the Band-Aid and says, "Oh shoot, I need to get going. It was so great to catch up — see you soon!"

This metaphor extends to other situations where people-pleasing tends to be our default.

In setting boundaries:

The People-Pleasing Approach avoids boundary-setting altogether, defaulting to permission and saying yes, while quietly carrying resentment.

The Rip-Off-The-Band-Aid Approach states clearly what's ok and what's not, while trusting that the other person has good intentions and that the boundary will lead to healthier connection.

"Hey, I'd like to talk through what happened in yesterday's meeting. When this topic came up, I noticed you interrupted me several times and raised your voice. I completely understand your passion here, but it's not ok to cut me off or use that tone. Could we come up with a shared signal for when things start to feel heated — a way to let each other know we need a reset?"

In giving tough feedback:

The People-Pleasing Approach sugarcoats the feedback so much that the person receiving it leaves confused and unchanged.

The Rip-Off-The-Band-Aid Approach prioritizes the other person's growth, delivers clear feedback in a private setting, and trusts in their ability to rise to the occasion.

"I wanted to talk through this project we've been collaborating on. I've noticed quite a few errors and places where the work isn't aligned with the scope. I'd like you to take another pass at it and address x, y, and z. I know you're capable of taking this to the next level — let me know if you need any clarification."

When noticing other people's big emotions:

The People-Pleasing Approach starts walking on eggshells, preemptively taking on responsibility to fix, appease, and cheer the other person up through overfunctioning.

The Rip-Off-The-Band-Aid Approach stays grounded in the understanding that other people's feelings aren't yours to manage, while remaining compassionate and curious.

"Hey — you seem upset. I'm going to give you some space, but I'm here if you want to talk."

From a people-pleaser's perspective, the goal is to keep others comfortable. But look closer, and the real motivation is more self-protective — it's about avoiding our own discomfort and the fear of what that other person might think of us if we say the hard thing. In some situations and relationships, the fawn response may feel necessary. But more often than not, there is a kind and clear way to show up: advocate for what you need, trust the other person can handle it, and move toward the authentic connection we're actually longing for.

So, what’s the Band-Aid you need to rip off today? And how can you make sure you leave a little “relational sticky” in the process?